Where do I begin?
I miss him. I miss him I miss him I miss him.
The random dinners, the plots to take over the world. The songs, the album in the workings, the needlessly overcomplicated bread recipe and the earth sandwich plan.
I miss sitting in his attic, making contingency plans for underground churches and zombie apocalypses, self-sustaining houses that drew energy from a box that said “infinite power”, miss the times he called me Fearless Leader.
Jokes on you Raph, I’m neither fearless nor a capable leader in any sense of the word.
He was the only one brilliant enough to take my insane ideas and turn them in to a reality. Who else could turn my four-chord song about a friend who wasn’t dead but was actually dying into a musical masterpiece? Who else could write a beat that fits my absurd rap with pauses for shots in between?
In this vast world, there are probably countless musicians who could have done it.
But he was the only one brilliant enough to pull it off, but at the same time stupid enough, or perhaps kind enough, to actually go ahead and do it. Plus, he’s possibly the only person I’ve ever met who could work with me almost perfectly. I’ll be blunt and say that nobody likes working with me. My erratic, last-minute, fiercely individualistic working style puts off everyone and is the reason why I clash with certain individuals in church whom I shall refrain from naming. But when I worked with Raphael.. yes, we argued, yes we had our creative differences. But I felt he got me in a way that others didn’t.
That’s not to say I’m completely devoid of friends now. I have friends. But some part of me died along with Raphael.
At times I feel like I don’t know what I’ll do now that he’s gone, but if I’m honest with myself, I do. I’ll keep living life one step at a time. The days will fly by and eventually the years I’d have spent without him will outnumber the years with.
It hurts. Thinking of you brings a smile to my face but it hurts.
See the truth is, I’ll probably just do the exact same thing I did when he was around. Go for random lunches and dinners, write horrible songs, plays, video ideas.
In that regard, life will be the same. It just won’t be as fun, or as meaningful, now that he’s gone.
All this being said,
I know that he’s in heaven. Frolicking in the clouds, fixing the wi-fi, building ethernet cables out of clouds and probably redesigning the angels’ uniforms. Maybe God called him back because they needed some help with decorating the place.
When Raphael was with me, I always felt invulnerable. I felt like there was no challenge in the world that could defeat us, no obstacle we couldn’t overcome. I sincerely believed from the bottom of my heart that as long as Raphael and I worked together, we could achieve great things. I look at my hands now, and myself in the mirror, and I feel all that conviction has crashed.
I love him like he’s family, like he’s my brother, like he’s one of the most important people in the world to me.
I can’t wait to see you again, Raph.